Have you ever woke up and felt…incomplete? Like something was missing… like you were wanting something but didn’t know what it was… but you didn’t feel right. I’ve spent the last few weeks like this. The things that would normally brighten up my days aren’t working for me anymore. I feel like something’s missing. I got a new haircut thinking that maybe all I needed was a little change; something new to focus on. That didn’t help very much. Then, I had a cup of coffee… twice. That should have done it for me… but it didn’t. Then, I tried a little retail therapy. I do have a few more cute accessories and clothing… but I still don’t feel whole; I don’t feel right.
It’s amazing how uncomfortable you can feel in your own skin sometimes. It feels like I’m being bound by it; it’s too tightly wrapped around me.
I’ve been stretching a lot more lately as if that will help loosen it. It doesn’t feel right. In addition, my complexion hasn’t been the best either. It’s as if my body is sort of going through this weird phase that I know nothing about. My skin is depressed. No matter what I do, I can’t fix it. I clean it thoroughly and make sure that my hands are clean before touching my skin.
Nothing seems to work.
I’m blaming it on stress… although I don’t think it’s stress. Well, maybe it is, maybe it’s the stress from not knowing what I’m missing.
I spend some time each day looking out the window, praying that the answer will come to me and I will say, “A-ha!” and then do whatever it is to feel like me again.
I know – or rather, I’m hoping – that this is just a phase. We’re almost to the New Year so maybe by then, after we move on to another year and we change our calendars, I hope that I too will change. But for the better. I will start to feel like me, I will start to feel at ease and peace again.
My days, while I still live them, are spent subconsciously searching. I’m looking around all the time to see if I can spot it. “It” being whatever it is I am looking for. I don’t even know what I’m looking for exactly… but I’m looking.
I’ve even reached out to friends to try to figure out what it is I’m needing. Perhaps it’s that friendship. That comfort of knowing someone else is out there, who loves you, who has been with you for it all and can say that things are going to be okay.
While my friends do help – and I appreciate them greatly, I still wake up and have “that feeling”.
It sort of just lingers over me all day like a gray cloud following me wherever I go. Sure, I laugh and make jokes but deep down, my heart is aching. It’s still scanning around.
I stretch a little more again.
I haven’t slept well in weeks. Maybe that’s what I need… a good night’s rest! I haven’t been able to accomplish that quite yet but I have bought some sleep aids to help. Chamomile tea can really make me sleepy sometimes.
It’s been like this for a while. The coffees, the shopping, the attempts at sleeping, chatting with friends, writing… none of it is filling that void that is within me. I even tried chocolate. And pumpkin. PUMPKIN! And it did not work. I don’t know what’s left to try.
But I will keep searching. And I will find it. If not tomorrow then maybe today.