It’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in just a matter of weeks. Sometimes, I’ll think that these past 6 months have just sort of been a dream.
“Did I really live that life?” I’ll often find myself pondering.
If someone would have told me my future on January 1, 2012 that this was how my life was going to be, I would have seriously laughed. I wouldn’t have believed it for a second. But what’s really hard for me, is wrapping my head around it all. It’s true that things can change in a split second. One minute, everything is fine. The next – it’s not. But while the rest of the world continues on after that second, your brain still has to catch up. Mine still hasn’t.
You have to understand that the life I was living not too long ago was nothing like it is now. I was in a different place – literally. I was at a different job. I had different people in my life.
Now all that I have from that life are memories. Sure I have a few pictures to prove that I was there… but it doesn’t quite feel like I was. It sort of felt like a really long dream. I still remember some parts so vividly that I often wonder how things all changed… and as quickly as they did.
Trying to pin point the exact moment is useless. There’s always more than one trigger that is set off. It starts off as a small crack. Then it spreads a little. And then a little more. Eventually, it will shatter. When it does, you think back, that something that is now in a million pieces just started off as a small, tiny little crack.
Not only are you now left with cleaning up a million pieces, you’re also trying to simultaneously work on putting it back together. You have to. The world is expecting you to. There are no vacation days in life. As much as you want there to be, there isn’t.
Furthermore, everything takes time. It takes time to pick up all those million pieces. Each one you pick up, contains a memory. You might not realize it then, but when you pick up that piece, you remember.
“There was this one time when…” and you carry on thinking about that moment in your life when that happened. “I can’t believe that happened,” you think, “or did it?” It no longer feels real. It feels like you were watching a scene from a movie. But it was your life. You lived it. I sometimes wonder if someone snuck into my room in the middle of the night and filled my head with false memories. “I couldn’t have done that!” you think. But you did. You lived every second of every minute of it. After you gaze off and daydream for a while about it, you return back to the piece in your hand. It has to be put somewhere. But where? No piece is ever going to be back to where it was. Things are going to be different. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’m sorry, but this did not come with a master picture to guide you along.
You have so many pieces that you love. You cry just thinking about all of them. Sometimes, you might pick up a bad piece. These are usually the smallest pieces. They felt so important when they happened, but now, looking back, they are so small compared to the bigger, happier pieces.
If you’re curious, you start to separate them. This pile of good memory pieces. The other pile… not so much. You might have a pile of big sized happy pieces… but there’s not many of them. And you might have a pile of small, bad pieces… and there’s a lot of them. You question the pile of bad ones, “Did I really live through all of that? I clearly came out alive… and with lessons learned. They were so scary… and there are so many of them!” It feels so surreal; so disassociated from who you are and who you were… or thought you were.
So what matters more?
You may never know.
But what you do know, is that you have to find some glue and some tape and start to work on putting things all back together again. And if you’re lucky, the next picture will be better than the first.