There’s going to be a time in your life when everything changes. Your world will never be the same. Whether it’s from getting married, having your first kid, losing a grandparent, losing a parent, getting divorced, etc.
Something is going to happen to you. While we all hope for the good things to happen, sometimes… they don’t. It’s hard work to get things going again, especially when you know they’re never going to be the same. That person you were before that moment when everything changed, is gone. You are someone new now. You are someone who has experienced a life changing event.
In the days after, there are many phases that you go through – or at least I did.
My first phase was pure fear. I was extremely scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I entered the ‘Unknown’ and I had no idea what was going to happen. I had no idea what to even think next. I doubted myself very much. I was just lost. Pure and simple. I just felt like I lost my place in the world and was just swallowed up by a dark mass. I think it’s such a big panic that you almost don’t know what to do. My body was still moving and doing all that was necessary but my brain was just blown. Thank God my body knew what to do cause I sure as hell didn’t.
The next phase that I went through was the ‘Everything is Going to be Fine’ phase. I had a whole new set of things to take care of now. I had a lot that I needed to get in order. I had those to focus on and more importantly, I saw that things were okay. I was handling it, my family was handling, we were all good. I thought, “okay, it’s going to be okay, Jess, you are going to be okay.” That phase lasted a couple of days. And then, my world fell out from underneath me.
The next phase that I went through (and I’m still going through) is the ‘Waiting to Catch Up’ phase. With phase two, I was in production, things were moving right along and I had those things to focus on… which means I wasn’t dealing with my problem. I was putting it on the back-burner because I had a whole new set of tasks to complete. Once those were finished, and everything started to go on its own… my brain started reverting back to phase one. I didn’t deal with what was going on. I just didn’t take the time to mourn. I gave myself a few days but it wasn’t enough… I’m relapsing now. And now, I need to mourn again – only, I can’t. I started everything! I have to keep it going! I have to work on maintaining everything I started in phase two. I can’t just up and stop and ask for the world to take a minute while I catch up.
The world is spinning and days are coming and going and I’m not there yet. I’m still back on Dec. 2. Everyone is moving right along to the New Year and I’m not there yet. My body is going right along because it knows it has to. My body knows I have to get my ass up for work and so it does. It gets moving and gets me to where I need to be. My brain; however, is still moving in slow motion.
I wish I could just pause the world. Like we do with Blu-Rays, I wish I could just put the entire world on pause so I can have my moment to get my shit together again. Every time I think I have a minute, something comes up… and I move right along again.
What’s making this worse is that it’s now coming to life in my dreams. Since I can’t work out my problems during the day, I’m starting to have very weird dreams. They’re full of random images, phrases, and storylines. I’m not able to make sense of them just yet. But I know it’s my subconscious trying to work things out. It’s working so hard that I’m losing sleep. I’m able to finally sleep but now I’m having weird ass dreams. I never seem to win.
I don’t know if it’s going to happen day by day or if it’s going to happen in one big rush. But I’m waiting for the day when I finally catch up. When I can get back to being me… or finding out who the new me is. I want to get back to living life… at the pace everyone else is.
So while everyone moves on to 2013, I’ll still be in 2012 trying to figure things out.