What I never really understood when it came to mental disorders was that you could go into remission but never be healed. Once that diagnosis is placed on you, you are forever labeled. Even if it’s been years or decades, you’re still only in remission.
No one is perfect.
No one can start on a diet and NEVER fail at it… not even once. No one can start an exercise program and take an unscheduled ‘day off’. No one can write a book and NOT have a chapter that’s slightly not as good as the rest of them.
We can try to be perfect all the time, but you’re going to fail. I’m sorry. It’s just the fact of life. We all have our flaws.
That being said, I think I’m starting into a relapse. I can feel it happening. Flashbacks are starting, thoughts and feelings are emerging that haven’t been there for a while.
And I know I’ll be okay. I know that things will be okay. But I’m also fearful. I’m fearful of going back to the way things were. I feel like I’m being dragged back to the same place; the same state of mind; the same situation.
Nothing about my present situation is like the previous situation. It’s not. It’s 100% different yet I can’t see that. I see only what I’ve seen before; what I know.
It scares me. It scares me a lot.
When you’ve been hurt by someone as badly as I have, you never want to go back to that. You never want to go back to how you felt, what happened, what you saw, what you experienced, what you were told. But it had been going on for so long that it became habit; natural. It’s almost automatic. And I can feel that part of me growing again from the darkness.
I can feel that part of me and who I was beginning to rise to the surface and I’m so fearful of it. I feel parts of me, the new me, the real me, shutting down and dying again. I’m feeling trapped all over again and I haven’t gone anywhere.
I know I’m relapsing.
My state of remission has ended. And I know I must suffer through my relapse until it has passed. I’m trying very hard to recognize it and to gain control to say that this is different; things are different.
But to me, they aren’t. When I’m driving or even working at my desk, I’ll have a flashback of something that happened and already I feel myself recoiling back into myself. Already I feel myself becoming more anxious and scared. I feel absolutely worried and I don’t know what to do.
I have to work through it, but how?
How do you build yourself up again when you’ve lost the blueprints? How do you learn to spread new wings when you’ve been clipped? It’s an inescapable quicksand that I’ve fallen in to.
It’s only a matter of time before I suffocate.
And while things are different and new and nothing is the same, I don’t see it that way and I never will. And in my own way, will create the environment I’m wishing so desperately to escape.