Addicted to Sadness

I know we can be addicted to a lot of things. But I never thought I could be addicted to a feeling. For a while in my life, things were/are going very well. Things are starting to fall into place, everything was working out, and yet… I was still sad.

I thought like I couldn’t be happy; I wasn’t allowed. I’ve lived a hard life and I’ve been through some hard times. I just assumed that’s how my life was supposed to be. I thought I was supposed to be struggling, stressed, anxious… all the time. Whenever there was a time that I wasn’t, I just found something to struggle, stress, and be anxious over. I felt like I couldn’t live any other way.

But there are definitely many other ways to live. There are days when you can be happy and worry free. There are days when you can be content with how your life is and where it’s going. You can feel all those ranges of feelings that I thought I was never allowed to feel.

Instead, I find myself sabotaging my own happiness. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop and be miserable again. Furthermore, I realized that if I couldn’t do it, others around me would. When I finally started to be happy and live my life, there was someone always around the corner telling me I was living my life wrong. That I should be doing that instead of this. And for a while, I thought they were right. I thought that since they knew more than me (or I assumed they knew more than me) that they had all the answers. But they don’t. They only know about their lives and the choices they’ve made. They don’t know about my life, my experiences, and my feelings on things. But, again, I was/am addicted to sadness. I didn’t know any better because I was an addict.

As time moves further on, I’ve come to realize that not only do I have the option to NOT listen to those around me, but also the capability to break free of my addiction. Of course, things won’t happen every night, but I can take my steps towards recovery. I can make it so I am happy with my life and what I’m doing with it. I can be happy that I don’t even know where I’m going! I don’t always have to have a plan… and that’s okay. That’s not a reason to be depressed. It’s just uncertain right now.I can keep planning for the future but be happy with the one I live. There might not be any patches or gums that fix this, but I want to find a way. I want to get out from underneath this shadow and be happy. I’m just tired of the addiction. I’m tired of being held down. I’m tired of not really appreciating all that I have an have achieved.

So for now, I’m going on a diet of sadness. No more late night indulging on how shitty my life is. Instead, I will put happier thoughts into my mind and realize I already have everything I’ll need.

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