Crisis of Faith Pt. 3

My boyfriend, bless his heart, has been listening to me bark on about religion again and again and again.

My girlfriend, Chica, only got one round of it. So, she’s pretty lucky. She even got me thinking about souls now! But, I haven’t gotten that far in my obsession to really look into that.

Either way, I’ve basically become obsessed with religion and my thoughts on it. I want to know what is out there. I want to know more about the world we live in. I want to know why people believe what they do. I want to know how I feel about it all.

But, for now, I feel nothing. I’m so numb inside because of it. It’s like, I’m sort of suspended in air.

I am now seriously questioning what my parents have RAISED me to believe. We’re talking a good two decades worth of beliefs and rituals all shoved in my little head.

And I’ve done plenty of research on this. I’ve been surfing the internet so hard I’m practically an Olympian!

It is now that I have begun to read the bible.

Mom: You finally got me to really read it.

And I’m like, an eighth of the way through and already I have so many questions. I’m stil in the Old Testiment, and I have pages and pages of notes written down about what happens. I have no idea where these notes are, because they are scattered everywhere just like they are in my brain.

I already know I’m going to have to do a second read through to get this shit straight.

I’m still in my crisis. I haven’t made a definite decision on what it is I want to believe. I’m still reading and learning. I’m still investigating both sides. I haven’t yet brought in history, so, I know that will eventually have to be taken into consideration.

What concerns me the most, is that I’m focusing really hard on the past to figure it out. I want to know what happened before so that I know what’s going to happen in the future.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel in the future after all of this. I hope that I’m happy.

I want to believe, I really do. I was raised that way, and my mom is someone that holds a special place in my heart. However, from what I am reading and discovering for myself, I find myself questioning where it is I’m beginning to lean towards. I tried to explain to my mom that there is hard science to back up a lot of things that conflict with the bible. But, she stands her ground continuing to believe otherwise. I present her with hard science that has been tested and confirmed, and yet she disregards it.

My father is always big on that too.

Me: Dad, this legitimately happened.

Dad: No, it didn’t.

Me: There’s science books written about this!

Dad: No, there isn’t.

Perhaps I live in a family of denial…….

As I continue my quest, I know that I am finally seeking answers FOR ME. Not an Atheist boyfriend, and not a fully religious Catholic mother.

It’s time that I took my faith into my own hands and decided for myself what I believe in.

So, I will continue to learn, grow, and discover a whole new part of me I never knew existed.

*End*

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3 thoughts on “Crisis of Faith Pt. 3

  1. Hi! Ive been following and reading about your crisis as you call it. You remind me a lot of me. Except I would be stubborn to admit that I actually would have given an arm and a leg to just have one belief bone in me. I wanted to not be so afraid all the time about unanswered questions exploding in my brain. Basically, I wanted the world and religion and everything I was told and God and the whole shebang to be revealed to me and make sense so I could finally rest easy.

    I found out quick the very nature of the world we live in is going to leave unanswered questions. There’s certain things you cant know for certain. Like whether or not a God or gods exist. Even individual supernatural experiences are questionable.

    Unfortunately, even as a student of religion, I realized no matter how much I dug and pried and read scriptures and ideas about scriptures etc etc… not only would I not find definite answers… but I was missing the point entirely.

    I was searching not out of curiosity and desire to learn and grow but rather as a means to an end. To not be afraid anymore. To be comfortable. Because it looked so easy when I judged the lives of “the faithful” or even those certain in disbelief. And that will leave you consistently unsatisfied because nothing you find will help you. Only you can help you.

    You, like i was, were probably raised to believe in and maybe desire moral absolutes. God HAS to either be this or that. Its either all good or all bad. One religion is completely right and the rest completely wrong. I can go on for hours about what’s wrong with that line of thought. But ill spare you seeing this comment is already a novel.

    Basically, you seem to be strongly desiring to choose your belief. To fancy one side or another and be done with it. If you truly want an honest belief system of your own I suggest disregarding eeverything you have been told and start fresh on an honest quest of curiosity and growth, not simply an answer that can end all questions.

    Please read what I wrote on embracing skepticism. I hope I helped.

    1. Hey there!

      I just want to say that you are now my new best friend.

      I went to your blog and noticed that it’s a newer blog in the early stages of development. From what I saw (and read), I’m very curious to see how you continue to write. You’ve practically nailed everything in your comment to me.

      Yes, I’m looking for that ‘end all’ answer. I just couldn’t say it as simply as you did.

      I also agree with in ‘Embracing Skepticism’ you stated you wanted so much to be someone you weren’t that you made it all up in your head.

      I think I’m in a sort of ‘letting go’ phase in the sense that I might have to really open my mind about things. And you are SO correct when you state that fear is what keeps you where you are. I’m honestly afraid that if I use my brain and figure out religion is a scam, I’ll go to hell and forever be tortured. I know that sounds so incredibly weird to say and to read, but it’s a belief that has been embedded in me since I could walk.

      That’s not how a person should live their life – in fear. I shouldn’t fear what’s going to happen after I die that I don’t really let myself live. And when I say ‘live’, I mean freely think away from the church.

      I will definitely try to start from a clean slate and figure out what it is that makes sense to me. Sometimes, I feel like some people (not all) are avoiding hard facts of science to sustain their beliefs. Blatantly denying what is written in science books, and taught to children.

      You have helped tremendously. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there who has had these thoughts and have gone through similar situations. Thank you for your words.

      -Jess

      1. 🙂
        Thats how I felt as I was reading your story. I was like woah. Certain things I remember thinking to a tee myself.

        I know exactly what that fear feels like. When I was a child I was in constant fear the devil would hear my thoughts and make bad things happen or if I wasn’t good God suddenly would stop loving me so I would repeat “the sinners prayer” over and over again. I look back on that and shake my head.

        I think you will come to the point where the fear mostly goes away or at least isn’t directly affecting you anymore. Once I became honest about what I naturally thought I knew it was more than enough and I needed to stop pressuring myself so much. Im glad we could relate to each other. Keep posting and updating. Take care. 🙂

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