My girlfriend, Chica, only got one round of it. So, she’s pretty lucky. She even got me thinking about souls now! But, I haven’t gotten that far in my obsession to really look into that.
Either way, I’ve basically become obsessed with religion and my thoughts on it. I want to know what is out there. I want to know more about the world we live in. I want to know why people believe what they do. I want to know how I feel about it all.
But, for now, I feel nothing. I’m so numb inside because of it. It’s like, I’m sort of suspended in air.
I am now seriously questioning what my parents have RAISED me to believe. We’re talking a good two decades worth of beliefs and rituals all shoved in my little head.
And I’ve done plenty of research on this. I’ve been surfing the internet so hard I’m practically an Olympian!
It is now that I have begun to read the bible.
Mom: You finally got me to really read it.
And I’m like, an eighth of the way through and already I have so many questions. I’m stil in the Old Testiment, and I have pages and pages of notes written down about what happens. I have no idea where these notes are, because they are scattered everywhere just like they are in my brain.
I already know I’m going to have to do a second read through to get this shit straight.
I’m still in my crisis. I haven’t made a definite decision on what it is I want to believe. I’m still reading and learning. I’m still investigating both sides. I haven’t yet brought in history, so, I know that will eventually have to be taken into consideration.
What concerns me the most, is that I’m focusing really hard on the past to figure it out. I want to know what happened before so that I know what’s going to happen in the future.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel in the future after all of this. I hope that I’m happy.
I want to believe, I really do. I was raised that way, and my mom is someone that holds a special place in my heart. However, from what I am reading and discovering for myself, I find myself questioning where it is I’m beginning to lean towards. I tried to explain to my mom that there is hard science to back up a lot of things that conflict with the bible. But, she stands her ground continuing to believe otherwise. I present her with hard science that has been tested and confirmed, and yet she disregards it.
My father is always big on that too.
Me: Dad, this legitimately happened.
Dad: No, it didn’t.
Me: There’s science books written about this!
Dad: No, there isn’t.
Perhaps I live in a family of denial…….
As I continue my quest, I know that I am finally seeking answers FOR ME. Not an Atheist boyfriend, and not a fully religious Catholic mother.
It’s time that I took my faith into my own hands and decided for myself what I believe in.
So, I will continue to learn, grow, and discover a whole new part of me I never knew existed.