The Memories Kill Me

I don’t remember what the conversation was about, but it triggered a memory.

And then I began to really think about my life.

When we are born, we don’t really start having memories until around the age of 4 or so.

From then on, we sort of build our own little scrapbook of memories.

Some good and some bad.

Eventually, you start to fill up your book.

It just dawned on me not too long ago, that I have quite a few memories in my book.

And when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that while I was waiting to grow up, and start my life… I was living my life.

I have more memories than I care to at this point… and I’m not even that old!

When I realized how much I have done in my life, and all of the crazy things that I have happened to me, I realized that my storybook is just one big mess.

Nothing ever really relates to the other. I feel like there were chapters torn out of the book, and you jump ahead 4 years and wonder what the hell happened.

I look back at my life and think,”I can’t believe I did that.” I am so amazed at some of the things that I have done (and not in a good way), that I can’t believe it is ACTUALLY my life.

I never really stopped to think about my life and my memories. I sort of just kept moving forward. I was always planning ahead, or working on some sort of goal that I never stopped to think that I was creating this life. This wild life of stories.

And when someone asks me about something, and I say, “Yeah, I did that once,” I actually catch myself off guard.

Has that ever happened? Have you ever been surprised by your own memories?

I feel like that is what I am going through, or went through at that time.

Just a whole shock of memories. And now I’m quite scared of my future.

There are memories waiting to be made, and I’m going to add more to my storybook, and this crazy journey I’m on.

But what I have realized, is that I made it through all of it. Yes, some parts were really awful, and hard. Some parts of my life were filled with just complete depression. But here I am. I’m typing this right now.

So no matter what, the days will come and go. Memories will be made. Some remembered often, others not so much.

This, right now, is the life I’m living. I know I get caught up in bills, and plans, and chores and I forget that.

And when people say that life and years go by in a blink of an eye, I understand they truly do.

When I think about something and say, “I used to do that…” I am in awe of myself. I would have never guessed any of the things that have happened to me. My own life is a surprise.

And it’s the memories, those “wow” moments that really hurt the most. Because while I can look back on all that I have done, and just be amazed at it, it is a constant reminder of my mortality.

And when I think of my mortality, I begin to wonder the same question everyone else does, “Why are we here?”

And when I begin to think of that answer, I can clearly see what’s important in life.

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