First, You Decide…

Lately I have been feeling a little…. off.

It’s really hard to explain the feeling I’m having. Disappointment? Sadness? I’m not too sure, but I’m going to try.

A few years ago, I was in a different place in my life (as I’m sure we all were). But I was a different person too. And believe it or not, I really liked that person.

She was disciplined, active, informed, and quite happy with her life.

Now, I think back to that girl and wonder what happened to her? I feel like now, I’m so out of touch with everything, lazy, and extremely tired all the time. And because of that, I sort of feel like I’m putting this pressure on myself to immediately change back into that type of person. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have some of those characteristics back, but I feel… pressured. The only person putting pressure on me, IS ME. Why am I doing this? I have no idea.

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Part of me feels disappointed I even changed in the first place! But unfortunately, things in my life changed… so I pretty much had to re-adapt. I was definitely a product of my surroundings, and since they have changed so dramatically, I couldn’t help but change with it.

So now I’m saddened at the fact I had to change, and the person I turned into isn’t that great of a person. The good news is I can obviously recognize it and thus change it.

The bad news is I don’t know HOW to change it. Knowing me and the world I live in, I would LOVE for things to change over night…. but we know that doesn’t happen.

We know it takes a small step, followed by other small steps, and remaining consistent with those small steps. I also know when you start those small steps, you do it because you WANT to do it. You make this decision in your mind and you just stick with it. You focus on nothing else but your goal. Right now, my heart isn’t into it. My head; however, is all for it. My head is like, “Let me remind you of how things were, and show you how they are now. Don’t you want things to be that way again? To be that ‘you’ again?” And my heart is like, “Um… yeah… but, not right now.”

I hate it when my head and heart conflict.

My girlfriend once talked about having someone with her when she works out, because she knows this person can push her. If left alone, she succumbs to her mind’s defeat and gives in. I think I need like one of those… for my life. I need a  little coach Jessica inside me to motivate me and push me. Believe it or not, I actually know what I’m capable of… and I know for a fact I’m not reaching my full potential. Hell, I’m not even reaching my usual baseline at this point.

I would LOVE to blame it on the weather and say that now we are losing sunlight and warm days. Part of it may be true, I am definitely seasonally affected. But I’m also aware winter comes around every year. I should also know it’s going to come whether or not I like it, and I have to push myself harder during that time.

I hear a lot of people complaining about their issues, and my response to them is usually, “Well, you’re the one who put yourself in this place to begin with!” It’s about time I start listening to my own advice and realize the only reason I am the way I am…. is because of me. The only person who can change me… is me. Maybe not change.. that sounds too scary of a word.. how about ‘improve’? I’m the only person who help me improve myself.

And it all starts with deciding to do it.

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