Dear New 30 Year Old Self:
I have to say…. I’m not happy about you being here. I’m now entering a whole new decade that I’m not too happy to be a part of. Honestly, I never thought I would be this old. I don’t know why, but as a kid, being 30 was like…. impossible. It was something that happened to OTHER people but wouldn’t happen to me. And if – IF – 30 had to happen to me, I would at least like to think that I would be rich and famous by then.
But since 29 did such a piss poor job, I’m kinda relying on you to like… be awesome. You have to really prove yourself. I’m sorry, but I don’t have much hope for you. You’re officially on the older side of life and I’m just really not prepared for that.
Unfortunately, you are here and I’m sorry there wasn’t a big party waiting for you to arrive. As a matter of fact, I’m sorry for turning off all the lights and ducking behind the couch when you looked in the window. But you’ve caught me and now you’re here.
So I’m going to show you around and give you the 50 cent tour, but just so you know… I don’t like you. You can be on the one side of the room and I will be on the other side. But you DO NOT cross the line in the middle. We’re not here to be friends; we’re here to do a job, and it’s to make through the year alive… anything else is a bonus.
I only ask that you don’t steal my clothes and my makeup. I don’t want to end up looking like a grandma. You can unpack tonight and maybe even have tomorrow off, but then we start bright and early on Friday.